What are some signs that I or loved ones may be already grieving loss:
Grief, by definition, is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior.1 If I ask myself, do I have any unmet hopes, dreams, expectations, due to this COVID-19 pandemic? -- yes! people are facing all kinds of losses: loss of freedom, loss of jobs and financial predictability, loss of health, loss of relationship, all kinds of changes in routine; the way we shop for food has changed; the way we work, the way we get exercise or play has changed; the ability to plan next week or next month has changed…the list is long.
Short-temperedness, increased clumsiness, distractedness, inability to focus, health issues of various kinds (our bodies are designed to express our honest pain and trauma eventually, even if we are trying to “be strong for others” and focusing on the positive). Unresolved grief is cumulative and will build up until it overflows somehow.
What do the Scriptures say about grief, loss, disappointment, the impact of unmet expectations, trauma? These themes run throughout the entire Bible. Following are just a few references from the book of Psalms:
· Psalm 31:9, 88:9; Job 17:7 my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my eyes are dim with grief (diminished perception, decisiveness)
· Psalm 61:2, 143:4, Lamentations 5:17 because of this our hearts are faint (numbness, apathy, inability to be in the present moment)
· Psalm 6:6; 77:2-4 I am worn out from groaning; at night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted (exhaustion, no energy, sleeplessness)
· Psalm 6:3, my soul is in anguish; 18:4 the torrents of ungodliness terrified me (NASB); Psalm 69:1-3, 14-15 (increased anxiety, fear, feeling of being overwhelmed, out of control)
· Psalm 31:10 my strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak (impact on physical strength and health)
How to help others who are facing deaths and other losses at this time:
Some Do’s and Don’t’s:
· Don’t compare losses. Try to be equally compassionate toward the “less devastating” losses (prom is cancelled, wedding venue cancelled, etc.) as toward those dealing with terminal illness and death.
· When someone shares about a loss or disappointment
o Don’t avoid or change the subject.
o DO be prepared to listen. Do ask, “what happened?”
o Don’t fix or correct or express judgment. That’s not your job in this case.
§ Don’t be afraid of people expressing negative emotion. When Job’s friends began to do this, he comments, “Now you too have proved to be of no help; you see something dreadful and are afraid.” (Job 6:21)
o Don’t say, “I know how you feel.” No one really knows how another person in a similar situation feels. (Proverbs 14:10)
o Don’t “story-steal” and start sharing about your similar situation. (That can be a good way to build rapport but not with a griever. There’s always time to do that later.)
o DO show up for people. Go to where they live and call: “Hi, I’m in the neighborhood, I have some food /a card to drop off to you. Can I stop in for a minute?” (Grievers will almost always say, “I’m fine. I don’t need anything.” But they need to talk, and pray out their feelings to God.)
o DO encourage people to figure out what they are feeling (journal/share out loud/pray together) and verbalize how they are feeling. The goal is to bring tough feelings out of the darkness and into the light (1 John 1:5-7) where we can verbalize them in front of another person and pour them out to God (Psalms 62:8).
Tools and resources
1James, John. W. and Friedman, Russell (2009). The Grief Recovery Handbook 20th Anniversary Expanded Edition, (p.3). New York, NY. HarperCollins.
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